The other night I asked my husband an odd question.
"Is it ok to not be hopeful this month?"
Of course, it was already thirty minutes past when we both wanted to have been asleep...the usual time I decide I need to have a deep conversation with my husband regarding our fertility dilemma. It's his own fault really, because he's so good at keeping my hopes up. I know when I'm in a funk, which is often lately, he can usually pull me out. While I cherish this about him, I worry that he's going to burn out and that I need to do more to be our cheerleader.
Anyway, back to my question.
"Do I have to be hopeful this month?"
Now don't get me wrong, of course I want to be pregnant. I've wanted to be pregnant since about six months before we started trying. I just don't want to ride the hope roller coaster this month. Quite simply, I'm exhausted.
You know, the hope roller coaster. The slow journey up to the top as you make your way through the month. Everything around you seems to scream, "This is your month!"
A song on the radio on your way home from the doctor's office...
The dream you had...
The perfect "conception" night...
The significance of this month as opposed the other 30...
Everything seems like a sign that it is going to happen this month and you just know that you are pregnant...until you aren't.
The temperature drop, the gentle voicemail from the nurse with the unfortunate news, the waking up to those oh-so-familiar and foreboding pains.
The hope roller coaster plunges to the bottom.
A few days pass.
Then, slowly, the coaster starts chugging its way back towards the top...towards hoping for this month.
So here's really what I'm asking:
"Can I just sit this one out...emotionally?"
Can I still want to be pregnant with everything in me, physically go through the steps - the drugs, the appointments, the necessary actions - but just for awhile, spare myself the heartbreak that comes with the possible plunge?
My husband, in a sleepy, slightly disappointed tone, told me that night that he doesn't think "sitting out" is possible. He says it's just part of process. And while heartbreaking when it doesn't work, it will be that much more wonderful to be emotionally "in the game" when it does.
Logically, I agree with him. And in my heart, I know he is right. But the selfish part of me just wants to stand aside and watch.
However, selfishness is not something that pairs well with our goal. I cannot stand aside and watch him ride the coaster alone.
So, as much as it scares me, I have to jump back in beside him.
I just may have to buckle in extra tight this month.
"Is it ok to not be hopeful this month?"
Of course, it was already thirty minutes past when we both wanted to have been asleep...the usual time I decide I need to have a deep conversation with my husband regarding our fertility dilemma. It's his own fault really, because he's so good at keeping my hopes up. I know when I'm in a funk, which is often lately, he can usually pull me out. While I cherish this about him, I worry that he's going to burn out and that I need to do more to be our cheerleader.
Anyway, back to my question.
"Do I have to be hopeful this month?"
Now don't get me wrong, of course I want to be pregnant. I've wanted to be pregnant since about six months before we started trying. I just don't want to ride the hope roller coaster this month. Quite simply, I'm exhausted.
You know, the hope roller coaster. The slow journey up to the top as you make your way through the month. Everything around you seems to scream, "This is your month!"
A song on the radio on your way home from the doctor's office...
The dream you had...
The perfect "conception" night...
The significance of this month as opposed the other 30...
Everything seems like a sign that it is going to happen this month and you just know that you are pregnant...until you aren't.
The temperature drop, the gentle voicemail from the nurse with the unfortunate news, the waking up to those oh-so-familiar and foreboding pains.
The hope roller coaster plunges to the bottom.
A few days pass.
Then, slowly, the coaster starts chugging its way back towards the top...towards hoping for this month.
So here's really what I'm asking:
"Can I just sit this one out...emotionally?"
Can I still want to be pregnant with everything in me, physically go through the steps - the drugs, the appointments, the necessary actions - but just for awhile, spare myself the heartbreak that comes with the possible plunge?
My husband, in a sleepy, slightly disappointed tone, told me that night that he doesn't think "sitting out" is possible. He says it's just part of process. And while heartbreaking when it doesn't work, it will be that much more wonderful to be emotionally "in the game" when it does.
Logically, I agree with him. And in my heart, I know he is right. But the selfish part of me just wants to stand aside and watch.
However, selfishness is not something that pairs well with our goal. I cannot stand aside and watch him ride the coaster alone.
So, as much as it scares me, I have to jump back in beside him.
I just may have to buckle in extra tight this month.
Oh Holli... Your post brings back so many emotions. I'm crying as I read your post because I've been there.. and totally understand where you are. That is one nasty roller coaster and I only hope your ride will end soon!! and Yes, (contrary to Scott's beliefs) it is okay to "stop" the ride for a little while. However, it always seemed like Kevin and I were at that point at different times..just when I wanted to give up, he was hoping more and vice versa. However, mentally, you can and need to take a break sometimes...sometimes you want so bad to not think about what "Day" it is or "what if" this time will work or should i read about this or learn about that? It's so taxing on you. My only suggestion is to take some time to enjoy just you and Scott -- there were so many times that just focusing on what we could do WITHOUT kids would help. Jump in the car and go somewhere for the weekend, or go to a movie and date night-celebrate what you can do...not what you can't! :) We even made a list of things that we could do because we didn't have kids! It was fun to focus on the positive. We love you guys..and you're in our thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDelete:) Thanks for the post, Gincy. It's always comforting to hear from you and your hubby. And I LOVE the list idea. We've talked about the idea, but never actually written anything down. Might have to try that soon. We love and miss you both as well!
ReplyDeleteHey...saw there was a new John Mayer CD out..and for some reason I imeadiately thought of you and Scott! **Wink Wink!**
ReplyDelete:) Too funny. I'll have to look into that, and some candles. Definitely more romantic than "Exam Room #2"...that's for sure!
ReplyDelete