To IVF...

First, IVF.

Not because we (or I in particular) feel that this is the first or best choice, but rather because it is what we will likely pursue first. We are looking at beginning our first IVF cycle this spring or summer. We're getting all our "ducks in a row" and interviewing/researching clinics in IL.

While the Hubs is 100% ready to go, I'm still getting there. I'm still in the soul searching phase. I know that I can physically endure the process - the shots, the exams, the surgeries - but I'm working on the emotional aspect of it all. I think I'm coming to terms with the fact that either it will work or it won't. But I also know that there is a sort of finality in the IVF process. There is not really "another step" to the infertility road in terms of medical treatments. (Well, I guess there is if you consider egg donation, surrogates, etc.) But you get the picture. And while I believe that I am coming to terms with the fact that it may succeed or it may fail, I'm wondering if my husband is ready to accept that.

Should we not get pregnant, will I feel as if I have let him, and his family, down?

Will he hold some resentment toward me that I couldn't give him a biological child?

I know these are ridiculous thoughts. But still, they linger in the back of my head. After all, it is my body that is resisting nature.

Also, I have to address the "ethical" issue. I am aware that there are some forms of Christianity which forbid artificial reproduction. I am also aware that we have already crossed that threshold, so to speak, with IUI. I am sure that when God told humankind to go forth and multiply, we were not exactly talking about getting into the stirrups. And while Methodism, my particular brand of Christianity, is open to medical intervention, I feel that I need to come to terms with the fact that some view "test tube babies" as unethical, or against God's will.

Here is what I do feel comfortable with...let me apologize now if I offend anyone. These are just my views. If you disagree, I completely respect and appreciate your difference in beliefs.

1. I do not believe that it is God's will for us to remain childless.

I know that God can create miracles. I also know that science plays a role in human reproductive biology. I apologize if I get a bit too "Darwin" here, but I realize that we live on an over-populated planet, and nature has a way of bringing about a balance. And I respect that my condition (Endometriosis) may very well be one of nature's ways of bringing down the population through decreasing fertility rates. We can't all be the Duggar's if we want this planet to continue to provide for us...I get that.

2. Modern medicine is miraculous.

I am so grateful that we live in a time when IVF is even an option. Only a few decades ago, we wouldn't even have this option to consider.

Still, while the doctors can diagnose the problem, prescribe the treatment, and perform the procedures, a doctor cannot make a collection of cells become a human. That is God's miracle.

3. If IVF does succeed, I know that it will be because of a number of factors -

the doctor's knowledge and ability
the state of my body
the quality of my husband's "donation"
our amazing support system of friends and family

- but it will succeed mostly because of the grace of God.

4. A child is a child of God regardless of whether he or she was conceived "conventionally" or with the help of modern medicine.